Well, this is Summer.
While I remain very busy with my job and quasi-job, I find myself with way too much time on my hands. Although I’ve never considered myself a popular person by any means, I thought that things would be a little bit better. What that means, I don’t exactly know.
I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes it’s just random, useless things — things that, if I were gone, would not matter: getting a credit card, my stupid webpage, etc. etc. But I can’t stop myself from thinking about them. By far, the thing I think about most is relationships. Past, Present, Future. I find myself constantly switching between Love or Sex — which is more important or which should be focused on. And the funny thing about that is I KNOW which one is right, I fucking Know! It’s not a hard decision. I think that my hormones are just finally taking as much precedence as they think they should at this stage in my life. But I’m not going to give them that control unless I want them to. It’s a struggle.
And then there’s Jamie. I realize that I don’t need her. But I still want her so bad. (That’s not meant to sound anywhere near as physical as it does.) Every time I think about her, I don’t necessarily feel sad, she just evokes this want in me. And to be perfectly honest, that’s why I haven’t pursued another relationship. I still know what I want, and I don’t want anything else. I could have probably gone for something great with Jill, something I’ve wanted since I met her. And I’ve ignored her. I haven’t even called her! God, I’m such an ass! I usually pride myself in how nice I am in this respect. But with Jill, I just haven’t cared. And I know why. There’s no reason for me to deny it to myself or anybody else, but it’s because of Jamie. No other reason. Sure, maybe I’m a little bit scared of being in another relationship, but that’s never stopped me before. Jamie. I have to resolve this somehow. But how is the question …