[ Author’s Note: Recently, I found the following entries in a book in my room. These were written between May 5, 2000 and June 5, 2000, and deal with Jamie and how I was feeling at the time about that situation. Seeing as this was so long ago, I will attempt to make no explainations about these writings. Suffice to say that most of these entries border on schizophrenia, and I thought very differently then when compared to how I think now. Please do not take this as an expression of present feelings. What follows is here for historical purposes only, and bears no importance on the present time. The entries that follow have not been changed since they were originally written. ]

Wednesday, May 3rd (9:40am)

It’s been really hard … just seeing her and wishing things were different. But talking with her last night helped me a lot. And although we didn’t come to any direct conclusions about what to do, we decided how to approach things in the mean time. Everything is up to her. She said that wasn’t fair. But she knew that that was the only way it could be. I wish there was something more I could do, but I’m not the one who is conflicted about how I feel. In fact, I told her, “I’m waiting on you.” But I don’t want to be kept on a string while she chases someone else; in the case that didn’t work out, she would have me waiting for her when she came back. I only suggested this because she kept trying to press the “see other people” idea on me — which suggested that she already had someone else in mind, if she hadn’t “sampled” it already. She said that this wasn’t even possible, which alleviated a lot of my fears. Until last night, I really had doubts as to whether or not she really cared about what was happening. That was alleviated too. Just like me, she hasn’t slept very much, and had been crying all the time. In fact, when we talked last night at school, when she got to her car, she cried uncontrollably until her friend Emily came for her. It didn’t help her that I was being extrordinarily mean to her yesterday, until she was running out of the building with a pissed/hurt/sad look on her face. She saw me and tried to keep walking, but I wouldn’t let her. And we actually talked, for the first time since Sunday night. If we wouldn’t have done that, we would have both gone nuts. It bothered us that we hadn’t seen or talked to each other. So it helped very much. And she once again became the Jamie that I love. She just jumps in and out of that mode, by shutting off her emotions, which bothers me. But it’s something that helps her to deal with things, so I’m not going to blame her for that. Things are better now. We both know how to proceed.

(12:13pm)

She came up to our group near the end of lunch. I didn’t expect her to do that, so I was a little surprised. I think that I still feel just a little bit awkward — we didn’t have much to talk about. But it wasn’t anywhere as near of a problem as it was yesterday. I don’t think this will be a problem, though. It will just take some getting used to. And she said that it would probably take her a couple weeks for her to figure things out. I just emphasized that she should take her time so that she knows. I just have to wait …

Thursday, May 4th (12:56pm)

I suppose things are going okay. I took the morning off for “me time”. And I haven’t seen Jamie today; well, briefly at lunch, but I was dealing with something else at the time. And I saw her running back and forth during rehearsal yesterday — but I tried not to think about it because the play is more important. And now, I’m in danger of losing that, too. But anyway, I know this is going to be hard for me. And I’m going to try as hard as I can to control it. But I’m preparing for the worst. Unfortunately, I’m sure that’s how it’s going to happen. But in the mean time, I’m stuck here …

Friday, May 5th (9:27am)

I’m really tired. I tried not to think about too much last night or this morning. I saw her before 1st hour. And I have to say that the longer this takes, the harder it is — and the more it bothers me. Probably because I know what she’s going to decide. I think she knows it too — she’s just keeping me on a string. That’s not fair …

(1:02pm)

I miss my Jamie. This just keeps getting worse for me. Every time I see her or talk to her, I want to touch her or kiss her. I keep remembering some of the great times we had — like our night in her basement. (I miss getting handjobs!) But anyway, I also remember Boosters, the night at the park, and the night at my house. Although these memories are great ones, the make me sad. Maybe I’m being extremely negative and pessimistic, but I know this won’t turn out anywhere near where I want it to. It’s weird because this hurts me as if we’ve been dating for 2 years or something, but the difference is that I’m in love with her — and I don’t think I’ve ever been as open with anyone as I am with Jamie. And even if I have to, it will be extremely difficult to let go.

Sunday, May 7th (12:28am)

Jamie was really mad at me yesterday (Friday). She thought that I was mad at her again. She went to work and came back near the end of rehearsal. I asked her to stay after a few minutes. We ended up sitting outside of Rocky and talking until about 10:20. We talked a lot about things. And I told her that I was never mad at her. I also expressed my fear about setting myself up for a huge disappointment. But I also said that I made the decision to wait for her because that’s what I want. Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short. So I called her when I got home at about 11. We talked for another couple hours. And I feel generally better about the situation. I totally hate it, but I’m a little bit more comfortable with it now. And to prove it, I think that I acted fine today (Saturday). I even went to Jamie’s piano recital before I had to work. So for once, between me and Jamie, the day was good. I still have the bad gut feeling, but I’m thinking about it less now. The only concern I have now is that I think her friend Mark wants her. She has assured me that she is absolutely not interested. But I’m still kind of worried. I can’t do anything about it, and that bugs me. B flat is the saddest key there is. Jamie was driving home last night before I called her, and she apparently heard “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” on the radio. She asked me if that was a sign. I said it was. She asked if it was good or bad. I said that it was up to her. I hope it’s a good sign, though….

(10:35pm)

I hate this. I’m trying to stay as optimistic as I can and I’m doing my best not to think about it. But I think about her and Mark and I want to throw up. We are so perfect for each other… I just hope that she realizes it… soon. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Actually, I’m surprised that I’ve made it this far. But as long as this takes, I have to keep my composure and make sure that I don’t make her hate me. I just have to relax. But it’s so hard. I miss my Jamie …

Monday, May 8th (1:13pm)

I haven’t seen her much today. So it hasn’t gone too bad. I don’t think I have anything to worry about with Mark. I think I’m just paranoid. That’s a plus! I really hope she makes her decision soon. Good or bad, I hope it doesn’t take much longer …

Tuesday, May 9th (9:28am)

Talked to her till about 11:30 last night. I told her how I felt about Mark. She wouldn’t accept it. But I said that it was just a matter of time before he made his move. Also, she’s been talking to Amy — comparing their “Chris stories”. It sucks, only because I’ve said to Amy some of the things that I’ve said to Jamie… and she asked me about it last night. I said that I meant the things I said to Amy at the time… but I didn’t mean them now (i.e. I couldn’t stand to see her w/ another guy — sound familiar, Jamie?) When in truth, I just didn’t want to see her w/ Mike. Jamie was concerned if the same thing would happen w/ us, and I said no. She asked if I still loved her. This really kind of hurt me. But she said that my saying “I love you” now seemed just “like words being thrown around.” I said that no matter how things seem, I have always meant it, I mean it now, and I will mean it 6 months from now, which is not the case with Amy. Jamie thinks I still like Amy. I told her flatly no! But I really don’t like this. But I can’t do much about it except defend myself. I thought Amy hated me! But oh well. Things seemed a little optimistic last night, though. We were talking about how good of a kisser she is, and I described some “spiral-tongue” technique, and she said to beware because she may try it with me, but then she recanted and said something like, “well, who knows what’ll happen…” She says that she’s confused about who she is, and that “if she doesn’t know who she is, how can I?” I do agree with this, but I still miss her and I still love her. She asked me if anything’s changed for me since last Sunday and all I said was that I increasingly hate this each day it goes on. She said she knew. I told her that I can’t stand waiting and compared it to a little kid waiting for Christmas. I absolutely hate it. But I think things will get better …

Wednesday, May 17th (12:09pm)

So things haven’t gotten better. Today is supposed to be the day when she renders her decision. She isn’t in the best mood. I don’t anticipate getting a decision today… I know what her answer’s gonna be anyway. I’m really trying to shut out my emotions on this because I know it will hurt a lot more if I don’t. I’m preparing for the worst. It’s funny — even though I’m doing this, it’ll still blow me away. I am so sick of this. I just need to not think about it and focus on something else — anything else …

Monday, May 22nd (10:53am)

Well, got the final answer. Guess what? I was 100% right. Although I wish I wasn’t. She still wants to date. Right. I’m not going to torture myself like that. Oh, God. What do I do now …

June 5, 2000 (10:05am)

This will be my last entry here with regard to this issue. Since we broke up, it’s taken me a while to sort out my feelings. I’ve been angry, bitter, sad, relieved — and everything in between. I fell in love with Jamie faster and harder than I ever had with anyone else. That really says something about her as a person. I heard once that no one else can make you happy. You have to be happy first, and then you can share your happiness with someone else. And that’s exactly what happened. I was already happy. She just made everything so much better. But every time that I break up with someone, I increasingly realize that I don’t need to be w/ anyone to be happy. I still love Jamie. I will always love her. Everyone that I have loved thus far I will always love in some form. With Jamie, [Oh gosh! Just saw her] I don’t possibly know what will happen in the future. Neither does she, as she says. I do know that if she wanted me, I would come running. I will probably feel like that for a long time. But for right now, I need to be able to love her as a friend … and unfortunately, as nothing else. But who knows what’ll happen? I certainly don’t …