Tonight, Megan and I ran the rental/show for SAVA (Sexual Assault Victims Advocates). It was a play that dealt with sexual assualt, rape, and stuff like that. The show was very moving. So much, in fact, that it helped me to face a few things myself.
I told Megan that I felt useless. For once, I was doing absolutely nothing for the rental (I didn’t consider my spotlight task much of anything). I felt horrible. As the show progressed, I sat on the spotlight side of the booth and cried. I felt as I had been a complete failure … not knowing if I’m going to graduate, not knowing what I’m going to do with my life … I thought of killing myself several times throughout the course of the night. When I told Megan that I felt useless, she shrugged her shoulders, as if looking for something to say. It wasn’t very encouraging, and I started to feel very bad.
After the show, we went outside … and I let a lot of things pour out … about how she was the only good thing in my life, about how I was scared to leave high school … everything. We also talked about her fear of me due to the impressions of others about me. All of it. We were both crying and upset.
It was cold. It was so cold. On the sidewalk. But neither of us could move. Too hurt, too confused to move.
But I had finally let out a lot of things that I didn’t think I had the guts to do. Being open about myself in a relationship was becoming increasingly difficult. But this just came … and by the end we were both glad that we had talked about it. We made some plans for how we would change some things, and we ended up leaving happy … at about 10:30, much to the chagrin of our respective parents.
Thank you for saving me …